I’m going to a funeral this week for a mom who left her home to go for a run and never returned. She has two daughters both are school aged. And she was a beloved member of her community.
Wrapping my head around the idea that she is gone is just impossible. How can a perfectly healthy person literally drop dead? And I’m not saying that for shock value, I’m asking this as a mom of three who is trying to process how this could actually happen.
I tend to be a spiral type thinker. If my husband doesn’t answer a text in the appropriate amount of time that I think it would take to answer a text I assume he has died. I don’t assume that he may not be near his phone. I don’t assume that he didn’t hear the phone buzz. No, I go straight to the crazy.
And so as I’m sitting around trying to make sense of what has just happened I start to spiral think. Did she know that when she left her home it would be the LAST time she closed her front door? Did she know it would be the LAST time she dropped her daughters off at school? Did she know it was the LAST summer she would have, the LAST Christmas? Did she know?
My answer is that no, she didn’t know. And that answer scares me.
Because if she didn’t know and now she is gone, how am I to know when my LAST of all these things will be. And what am I doing to make each of these milestones special?
I know I can’t live my life in a constant state of waiting for the end, but I also know that I can live my life in a more celebratory way. Instead of focusing on all of the little things that bother me, the annoyances I have because I HAVE children, I need to celebrate.
The moment I heard the news of this mom’s passing I immediately sent my friend something to cheer her up. I can’t waste another minute thinking I should do something, I need to just DO!
I don’t know the number of days I have left. Today could be my last one. The only thing I can do is leave a legacy for my children. I want my legacy to be celebratory. I want them to remember how much I cheered them on and loved them. I don’t want them to think they were a burden or made my life difficult.
I have faith that this life is not the end, instead, it is only the very very beginning. And I want my start to be full of celebration – no matter the circumstances.
And so, despite being afraid of what this world may bring, I am going to purposefully choose joy in all things and through all things.