Growing up I never knew my family was different. Looking back now through the lens of my own family, I realize that having three half brothers and two step-siblings is a veritable melting pot of temperaments, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Why? Because I was taught how to love unconditionally.
I know, it sounds contradictory. How can you love unconditionally coming from a background where two parents didn’t stay together?
Because I have someone like my mom who has taught me that family isn’t just about who is blood related, but it’s also a lifestyle of welcoming people unconditionally, loving without borders, and choosing to stay hopeful amidst difficult situations.
Not only was my mom able to push forward through some rocky marriages, but she was able to adapt, exuding positivity even if her well went dry sometimes. Here are some of the highlights I’ve learned through the years.
How to relate with outsiders:
Walking my kids onto a school campus now, I see it from my mom’s point of view. I see the differences between stay-at-home moms, full-time, working moms, and moms who have blended families. I think my generation is far more forgiving about life circumstances than even our parents ever were. I know my mom faced these other moms and proudly did what she could, when she could, all the while keeping focused on what mattered most — raising a child that was not a “mean girl” who was self-absorbed and foolish.
Work sometimes needs to take priority:
As I call my mom on occasion (ok, all the time, darn it!) for advice, she’s always at the ready with ageless advice about what it looked like to be a working parent or the art of having to say no to your child when it’s painstakingly hard to turn away.
My mom never turned away to ignore me; she sometimes turned away from me because she loved me. She needed to provide for her family, and sometimes that meant answering that work call after 6:00 at night, bringing me to work with her on a weekend day to play ‘office’ or foregoing the field trip because a major work event surfaced last minute.
How to manage stressful situations:
I think one of my mom’s favorite sayings to me as a teenager was “Honey, calm down.” I wish I could say I’m a much more cool, calm and collected person now because of it, but I’m not. I’m one ball of emotion tied together by paperclips and dental floss. However, because she said that phrase to me often, I learned my triggers.
I know that when I feel out of control, I freak out. I know that I like to be early, understand my options when faced with confrontation and avoid unorganized crowds (single-file lines are my friend). I like to know the “why” behind an answer.
Commitments are important:
Fun fact about me, I hate calling people. Like ever. I don’t care for what, I just don’t like talking on the phone. I filter it through my head as an inconvenience. I’m pretty sure I’m miss-wired upstairs in that part of my brain. Needless to say, I was thrilled when text became the preferred method of communication in this world. So naturally when my mom told me to call to make my own hair appointment, or that I needed to call back to find out if I got a job, I’d have a breakdown.
But she would never intervene.
If I wanted something bad enough, I’d fight for it. Took me a few years of inconvenience to figure it out, but now I get it. I’m in charge of my choices, no one else. My choices to honor commitments, no matter how painful they might be, are always fulfilling. I can sleep at night knowing that I made it through some pretty tough times by just honoring commitments. Just don’t call me to discuss it.
Parenting each child is very different:
My son was just shy of two when my daughter was born and oh my, I can’t believe how hard it can be sometimes to have two so close together. My son needed round-the-clock care for some health issues he had as a baby, while my daughter popped out of me healthy as a horse and ready to talk. To this day my son is still more quiet, old-soul while my daughter will talk….and talk….and talk to me all. day. long. I thought finding the balance for my two was difficult.
Then there’s my mom. She had two step-sons, one daughter, one son, and now two more stepchildren to parent, all at different stages of life. WHAT? Who can handle that? She can.
One child may need perpetual hand-holding and guidance, while another may need free range to fail or succeed. Being fair is giving each child what they need, not about splitting everything 50/50. My mom has been able to adapt with each child, and has influenced each of us in a unique, supportive way.
Regardless of the things I think I learned, science proves that a mother’s love — regardless if it’s through one marriage or multiple — has long-lasting physical and emotional effects on a child. Studies show that children who have the benefit of being raised by mom are better at resolving conflicts and enjoy stability in adult relationships. So even amidst my modern family, stability was created from sheerly having my mom around, and for that, I’m thankful.
