I’ve been told that #2 is a game changer, and even though my little girl isn’t here yet – I can already tell it’s TRUE! The truth…I haven’t been “adulting” very well lately.
On top of being pregnant, I haven’t exactly been “adulting” very well lately.
The culprit? Baby number two growing in my belly.
I have a 21-month-old son and I am 22 weeks into cooking a baby girl. (side note: I know that baby is in my uterus not my “belly” but come on I have a 21-month-old!)
Look here’s the deal…the first time around I was far from the “OMG I love being pregnant” pregnant lady.
I am 36 years old, I am educated, I have many friends that have more than one kid and who are brutally honest with me. I knew number two wouldn’t be easy. I was grounded in reality.
And yet, I still was COMPLETELY unprepared.
I don’t think I have shared this before, and it could be a post all its own, but in my first pregnancy, I had complications in the first trimester that included depression like I had never experienced before. Luckily I didn’t have that experience this time around.
However, I have had plenty of other challenges. I have suffered from migraines for years. I’m so grateful to say that after years of trials and tribulations they have been well managed in the last four years.
In my first pregnancy, I didn’t have a single headache let alone a migraine. This time, I have had at least 5 or 6 severe migraines. There has been a lot of guilt about pain management and debates in my head (yes the cognitive therapist and founder of #stopshouldingyourself is admitting I’m human).
In my first pregnancy I could focus on me and I was so excited about this amazing miracle it cushioned the uncomfortable experiences of pregnancy. I used to come home from work and take a short nap before my husband came home, then I would start cooking dinner. Ahh those were the days. Now there is NO napping in my life. I have so much to do between multiple jobs, husband, household, oh yeah and a toddler. I feel like there is no time for me or to focus on pregnancy.
Ok but here’s the thing, there is more. I’m ready to admit a lot of the problem is my attitude. Hmm maybe problem, is the wrong word…part of the cause? Anyway, with number two I didn’t have the excitement and euphoria I had with number one. You know that saying “ignorance is bliss”? I think that is part of it. The beauty of the moment was overshadowed by knowing the difficulty to come.
News flash growing a person is super hard work, its difficult, and thats ok!
With number one I have never wanted something so bad in my life, I was elated, grateful and felt so blessed. When we decided it was time for number two, I was tired and I was just getting my body back and I was worried about finances.
I joke that number one is a dream come true and number two is an obligation to give number one a sibling. Ok don’t hate, remove the judgement…it might be a little harsh but you know its true. I am choosing to not feel guilty about this.
I think it is part of the process. It certainly doesn’t mean I don’t love her already or love her as much as her brother. I am really looking forward to holding her (especially because that means I won’t be pregnant anymore). I can’t wait to see who she becomes.
I will not apologize for my lack of enthusiasm over this pregnancy, I’m normalizing it.
The part I am struggling with is my lack of “adulting”.
I’m really having to work hard to not judge myself when I miss deadlines, let dishes pile up, don’t brush my son’s teeth because I don’t have the energy for the battle, etc. Everyone talks about number two being a game changer and how it takes about a year to get used to having two kids. For me number two became a game changer when I first peed on that stick. I’m telling myself that that is ok, maybe even common?
When I judge it, it just slows me down more and makes me feel even worse.
So why am I writing this? Maybe a bit as an apology for my absence, but mostly to remind myself that it is ok. Everyone does pregnancy differently. This is my story. If you can relate, I hope this is validating for you as well.